First post as the future Mrs. John Dirba!

I am absolutely thrilled to announce that John and I got engaged last month! I turned 21 on the Monday of Spring Break, and he proposed on Friday. Needless to say it will be the most memorable Spring Break of my life! In an attempt to organize my thoughts (and hopefully blog more often!) I have created a blog that will strictly be about all things wedding/wifey. Check it out. They say a picture is worth a thousand words, so I'll leave you with these. Enjoy! :]

Speaking of ice...

Happy snow day!

The view from the office window about 20 minutes after it started!

On campus... Bipolar TX weather.

Home

Park across the street.

Me, John, and Peter's E.T. snowman!

... and E.T. about 3 seconds later.

Fun day :]

Through Fire and Ice

I changed the name of my blog... again. I've been having issues finding something that really meant something to me. And this... well, it isn't exactly what I had in mind. Let's face it-- Revelation 3 doesn't make you feel warm fuzzies like unicorns and puppies, which are much more my taste. But, this is something that's really been on my heart lately. I have been living a lukewarm life. How depressing to know that God, my Savior and redeemer who showers me with undeserved grace, mercy, and unconditional love, would rather me be cold and not care at all than just be comfortable. I need to be uncomfortable! I need to be out of my comfort zone and speaking to those who make me nervous and doing things I don't feel good enough for. I need to quit worrying about how I feel and do what He calls me to... and when I don't know what that is, I need to pray more and listen better. So, this is the next chapter in my walk; through fire and ice. Reminding me where I'm going, while reminding me that I'll never quite be there. It's something I need to constantly be running to. I'd greatly appreciate your prayers. Please also continue to pray for my family. The divorce is actually underway now, and things are ugly. I guess the meaning of my blog is twofold; not only will it be about my spiritual temperature, but even the hot and cold parts of my life. Right now is an icy period, but things will warm up!

False gospels and having a boyfriend who is way better than me.

Every time I go to school, my blog suffers :[

I'm having issues. On campus the other day, there was this guy. He was waving a Bible around in the air and yelling at people to repent. Demonstrations like these give me mixed feelings.

1) They make me feel guilty. I am a Christian. I should support that guy. Instead, I just want to run away.

BUT

2) He only yells about judgement. Not hope. So... does that make it a false gospel?

I have some friends that aren't Christians, but sometimes we get into discussions about it. I like the conversation when John's around. He constantly surprises me with how much knowledge (and even wisdom!) he has. He makes me proud and it makes me happy... but it also makes me envy his confidence. As soon as he's gone, I'm sunk. My head can't remember any of the things I know and feel in my heart. I catch myself saying "yeah, I know what you mean" or "I don't know" a lot. But... do I really not know? Or do I just not know how to say it? Sometimes I do understand where they're coming from, but that doesn't mean I agree... so why is it so hard to say? I'm not ashamed. They know where I stand. I just think I'm scared maybe? I don't know as much and I'm not as good as John. I'd rather him tackle all the heavy discussion. What if I say something wrong? I just feel safer not saying anything at all, but it makes me uncomfortable. I know that's not what I'm called to do.

How do I speak? And what do I say? I've heard people say God gives them the words when the time comes. Where are mine?

I think sometimes I still expect God to work like a magic trick. He's magically going to speak to me and I'm magically going to have a script flash in front of my eyes and then I'll magically know everything and everything will magically be perfect. Clearly this is ridiculous, but what should I expect? I want to make disciples, but I'm scared I'm not good enough. Well, no one will ever be good enough... maybe I'm more scared I'm not strong enough. Please pray for me. I want to be confident. I want to be bold. I want to do my job.

Ask and you shall receive!!!

For my first semester since I came to college, I was actually on the job hunt this semester. I've been checking the school's employment website and they didn't have any openings in the library, AND the pottery painting place down the street wasn't hiring either. I'm pretty picky when it comes to jobs (I guess because I've never really needed one), so this was making me very sad. I was starting to feel a little hopeless about getting one of the jobs I'd actually been interested in, when POW! God dropped one in my lap today :] I was on my way back to College Station and one of my professors called me and offered me a position as an Undergraduate Peer Mentor :] It's through the Education department and deals with all the writing courses. I'll basically be assigned to one teacher's class/classes, and I'll help with grading and whatever else they need. I'll also have office hours throughout the week where I'll have to be able to help my "fellow students." PLUS, it will be really good experience for when I actually start teaching. Yay, yay, yay, I'm excited!!!!! :]

"Ask, and you will receive, that your joy may be full." John 16:24b

Tossing the glass slipper, and embracing reality.

"The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?" Jeremiah 17:9

I'm a hopeless romantic. I'm a sucker for all the "listen to your heart," "what's meant to be will always find its way" happy endings. I'm struggling. I've allowed these thoughts to infiltrate too deeply into my life. I've allowed my mind to be consumed with fairytales. I expect my life to flow like the storyline of a chick flick, rather than reveling in the real life love story I've been blessed with. There's nothing wrong with fairytales, but they can't be trusted as truth. I shouldn't be trying to put my faith in them. I need to learn to lead my heart. I need to daydream and "what if" less, and listen for and trust God's will more. That's where the real happily ever afters are.

I don't mean to sound jaded. I hate to think of myself that way. But, I don't want to be silly enough to let my life pass me by, wishing for it to end like one of my favorite movies. This is real life. The only one I get.

"Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer." Psalm 19:14

I couldn't ask for a better reminder right now. This is my daily prayer. Please join me.

Is it just me, or should breast cancer awareness not put men in a position to stumble?

Ok. So. The other day, I was getting bombarded by colors on Facebook. Every other girl's status update was "black" or "tan" or "pink" or "red." Come to find out, it's an attempt to raise breast cancer awareness. Every girl is supposed to put the color of their bra as their status update... that's it. I have not jumped on the bandwagon.

I can understand and appreciate the desire to raise breast cancer awareness, but... is this really a wise way to do it? Isn't it most likely just causing boys to think about what you look like in that bra (especially when 85% of them are "black" or "red")? Isn't that weird to think of everyone knowing/visualizing what color bra your mom/sister/wife/daughter/grandma is wearing? A few of my guy friends have even posted complaints about it on their Facebook.

The second thing is, it doesn't offer any explanation. Most boys have figured out by now that it's bra colors, but not many of them know the breast cancer story behind it. Therefore, my same guy friends that have complained about it are being chewed out for not being supportive of breast cancer. Really?

Maybe I'm a little over-sensitive, especially when I'm struggling to recognize and establish boundaries of things that could cause John to stumble. It just seems that there could be a more effective/less provocative way to get the message out, no?

Roll, tide, roll!

I made good on my new years resolution last night and rooted for Alabama to win the national championship :] I know people are going to argue that as a Texan, I should support my state. However, as an AGGIE... I must support anybody except t.u. Sorry, folks!

Speaking of, I'm definitely ready to be up in Aggieland. There's too much tension in my house... ick. I went to lunch with my dad the other day. I can't remember the last time I did anything with him by myself. It was actually pretty good. We didn't talk about my mom or any of the divorce stuff really, so it almost felt just like the good ol' days. He did ask me if I had to keep going to Christ Church (YES.) and put me on a gas limit, but overall it wasn't too bad. My grandparents are caving though. My sisters and I were supposed to have dinner with him tomorrow night for his birthday, but he cancelled to go with his parents instead. I was happy he was talking to them again, until I found out he's taking Brandi. My grandma's been really stubborn, always telling him he can't bring her to any family functions until he's divorced, and that if he did, my grandma would leave. I guess she changed her mind.

It's just so awkward. On one hand, I'm glad they're talking. I mean, he is their son. But on the other hand, they were almost they only people on his side of the family still holding out praying and supporting us and not pretending everything's okay. Plus, it's not like the prodigal son's dad chased after him. He welcomed him home with open arms and forgave him, but he didn't wallow in the pig slop with him. The lines just feel so blurry all the time. I'm never quite sure how I should think or feel. I don't feel comfortable with anything. Except praying... so I'll just keep doing that.

The long-awaited Curtain Call video!

Enjoy :]



"It's About That Walk"- Choreographed by Carolyn Collier

Revelation... 2010 is already looking up :]

My little puppies are cuddling in bed with me as I type this :]

Last night I came to an astounding revelation... I don't hate Brandi anymore. I was saying my prayers and I just had this weird feeling. I kept trying to visualize her face (which is not easy, since I always run away from her before I can get a really good look) and it wasn't even making my blood boil. I've been trying to stay in line with Luke 6 and pray for my enemies and all that good stuff, but I don't think I was really praying FOR her. I was praying about her, and that God would give me peace and get her out of our lives... not really thinking about her. That's changed though. Now, when I think about her, I feel sad. Her life is a mess, and she doesn't seem to have much she can count on. She needs security, but she's not looking for it in the right places. Obviously she wants to have that with my dad, but she doesn't. She's always trying to stifle him with mushy gifts, and they never go anywhere without each other. Even when my dad does things with me and my sisters, his phone is constantly going off. I guess they're afraid they'll cheat on each other. After all, that's the only way they got together. But, that's not my point for this post. My point is, I am learning to hate the sin... not the sinner. Thank you to those of you who have been praying for my family and my dad. I appreciate it so much, but I'd like you to join me in praying for Brandi as well, that she'll find security in God, and He'll work all things out for good.

Welcome, 2010!

I expect great things from you.

I'm not a big resolution maker. The one thing I'm determined to do this year is become a better Aggie! For all you normal people out there, I'm sure that just sounds silly, but I'm missing out on all the fun traditions. I only went to one football game, people! No Midnight Yell... no Silver Taps... no Elephant Walk. Nothin' :[ But, that stops today! This coming semester I WILL bleed maroon!

I'm also going to find a job this semester... not really sure where. I'd love to work in one of the libraries on campus! I really hope that works out, because I don't have a back-up plan otherwise.

I'm starting a Bible reading plan this year. I have a YouVersion Bible app on my iPhone, so I'm going to follow the daily read on there. That way, if I spend the night somewhere and end up without my Bible, I have it all on my phone. No excuses!

I hope to do more blogging this year. Maybe one of these days I'll actually post something worth reading.

Pride and Prejudice: The "Religious" Version

John and I have a new friend. I have several classes with him, and when I introduced him to John they really hit it off. He's a super nice guy, and we all have a lot of fun hanging out together. There's only one thing that gets to me... he calls us religious. He doesn't mean it as an insult, but it still rubs me the wrong way.

I think this is because the word "religious" has gotten so twisted by our society. For example, to me the word "religious" reverberates with all the wrong connotations. It seems to imply all the legalistic and judgmental stereotypes that are so sadly associated with Christians today.

I was listening to a discussion on the radio while I was driving to Navasota this morning. They were talking about the bad reputation Christianity has gotten, and how we as Christians need to find ways to make it more fun. I don't know if "fun" is the word I would choose. It's not as if Christianity is some gingerbread house that we have to lure little, lost children into. I think it is more important to be joyful and genuine, which I unfortunately can't say I've been living up to lately.

I think the saddest part of all is how far Christians as a whole have fallen from the place God intended for us. We are most often identified by our reputation as a condescending, judgmental people who care more about our own prejudices and following a strict set of laws rather than loving unconditionally. This stereotype is even harder to overcome when there are churches passing judgment and tearing each other down, rather than uniting in the common mission of reaching out and bringing glory to God. Jesus said that "all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another" (John 13:35). Is that really the way people identify us? Are they able to see light from us and point us out by the love we exhibit? I hate to admit that in my case, I can't be so sure.

I've felt very convicted of this lately, and I have to say that I feel my pride is stealing the spotlight. I've never really considered myself a prideful person, but after listening to Pastor Justin's sermon over Philippians 2 yesterday as I got ready for class, it's been gnawing away at me. I don't quite know how to explain it. It's the kind of pride that prohibits me from making new friends. John's been telling me lately that not everyone will always automatically want to be my friend and that sometimes I need to make the first move and make an effort to talk to them, sit by them, etc. In a pathetic, childish manner, my response has been, "Well if they don't have to come talk to me, why do I have to go talk to them?" Am in 5th grade? Really, Erica? This has been going on for a while now, but I just really felt my eyes opened to it the other day and was disgusted. It reminds me of the song, "This Little Light of Mine." Am I really going to be so proud, and so quick to put walls up to fend off rejection that I'm going to keep my little light under a bushel? I don't think that's a very good idea. Thankfully, I know God is full of grace... but that doesn't do me much good if I'm too proud to ask for it.

I would appreciate prayers in this area. Also, please pray for my new friend. We had a long talk about religion after class yesterday. He's not anti-anything, but he's very bogged down in the legalities of the Christian church. He felt bad because he had wanted to order a beer when we went to lunch (he's legal), but didn't want to offend John and I since we're "religious." I admitted that while I guess I am considered religious because I believe in and love God, it's not the same sense of religion he's grown up around, full of judgment. I told him a little bit about our church and how it's about so much more than abiding by a rule book. He's a musician, so John and I are hoping he'd be interested in coming to church one week to listen to John lead worship. I pray that he'll be able to see past the stereotype and fall in love with our community and our Father just as much as I have.

Eli Young Band rocks my socks off!

Well maybe not literally. My boots did somehow manage to stay on the entire concert, but it was AMAZING! This was my fifth time to see them live, so it wasn't anything too special. Except, oh wait... I MET THEM. AND I could have practically reached out and touched them during the entire concert. It was awesome :] John's uncle was in charge of entertainment at the Austin County Fair, so he hooked me, John, and Enrique up. We did a meet and greet and got autographs, then got to sit in VIP seating at the concert, and actually ended up bumping into them again and getting to talk with them some more afterwards. It was SOOOOOOOOOOO fun!

RIP Teddy :[

My baby's dead :[


My sister ran over him. I'm not mad at her. I know it was an accident. He was really bad about running at/around cars.

She ran over him Tuesday morning. She wasn't even driving like the crazy new driver she is. She was backing out to leave and didn't see him run in front of her when she went to pull out. I had a test that afternoon so no one told me. I appreciate that, especially because I had been studying really hard and actually think I did really, really well on my test. It's just weird to know that everyone else knew and didn't tell me. But again, I'm not mad. I don't feel like they were lying to me. I understand.

My sister called John because she didn't know how to tell me. He (being the knight in shining armor that he is) told her he'd tell me, so he could be in person and comfort me when I inevitably had a meltdown. I appreciate that too.

John and I had been planning "Wednesday fun day!" all week. We didn't really have PLANS. We were just going to get out. Spend some good quality time together. Celebrate being done with our first round of tests. I had been looking forward to it so much all week. John knew that and didn't want to ruin our special time, so he was going to tell me Wednesday night after Bible study. I appreciate that too, and I really wish that was how it would have happened.

Instead, I got an email from my grandma on my way to pick him up for class to get "Wednesday fun day" started. I only read the first line: "My condolences on the loss of your Teddy." I instantly called my mom and then she was forced to break it to me. I was sobbing when I pulled up to get John. My grandma thought they were going to tell me the night before. I'm not mad at her either. It was nice of her to care. Just unfortunate the way it played out. Needless to say, "fun day" wasn't very fun. Especially when we realized at 6:30 that Bible study started at 7 instead of 8 like we'd been thinking, invoking another meltdown. We did end up finding a really good new Mexican food restaurant for dinner at least...

My dad went out and buried him for me today. He even made him a little tombstone. That was nice.

I'm so sad :[ SO sad. And I'm not even that crazy of a pet person. It's just... so sad. I've been blessed enough not to ever really even have to deal with any human deaths before. Just my great-grandparents, but I was pretty young and it wasn't anything traumatic. Plus, Teddy really was my baby. He was my first puppy that was all mine. He was my roommate last year when I lived by myself. I trained him and let him sleep with me every night and loved him so much :[ He didn't even get to have his first birthday.

RIP Teddy. I love you. You were a good dog.

Oh yeah, I made these too.

"Fruits of the Spirit"

I think I need to give Geography a little more credit.

My professor wore a bow tie today :]
Awesome.

My Choreography for CHS

Here are some vides of the Columbus High School Cardinal Belles I choreographed for this summer. "Poker Face" was one they requested I learn from a UDA video, then I taught it to the girls. "Smoke on the Water" was one I choreographed myself. Enjoy! :]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t2r6ZktLZY8

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kUVmphfrZII

School is in full swing!

I have to admit it's way better than I expected. I'm taking a Reading class for teachers, a Writing class for teachers, a Middle School Education class, History of Modern American Women, and U.S. Geography. I was pretty bummed when I got my schedule, but so far I'm actually really enjoying my classes! My favorite is without a doubt my reading class. My teacher's super sweet and we get to read lots of fun books. Plus, John's in there ;] The only one I'm not too crazy about is my geography class. It's my only basic level class, so it's pretty big and straight lecture. It's a lot more difficult for me to focus and stay awake. My professor is this older, very serious and proper man, but sometimes he makes little jokes and I think it's cute :] It makes class bearable.

Last week I had my first day of field experience. I've been assigned to a teacher at Navasota Junior High with a Target Reading class and a 7th grade Language Arts class. I go there every Friday morning to observe, and maybe eventually lead a few lessons. I wasn't expecting much from Navasota, but the school is actually really cute and happy. My teacher lives in Brenham, so that is a possibility to keep in mind... :]

I have finally settled into a dance groove. I joined the Dance Arts Society and it's working out really well. It's entirely student run. They offer several different classes throughout the week (Contemporary is my favorite!!!) and put on a show at the end of the semester, called Curtain Call. The girls that wanted to choreograph pieces for Curtain Call had auditions this past week, and I made a really fun Jazz dance to "It's About That Walk" by Prince. It's so prissy and fun! I can't wait to be in the show! It's November 14th if anyone's interested :]

My oldest cousin and his wife had their first baby last Monday. They had a little girl, Bella Reese, and she's sooooooo precious! I went home to see her this past weekend. I held her for about an hour when we visited them one night and she slept almost the whole time. My cousin told me I need to come by more often so they can get some sleep :] I forgot how much I love babies!!! I can't believe it's almost been 7 years since Rebecca was born. It still feels so natural. I want a baby! (But not right now of course.)

I'll try to post more regularly... but no promises. Actually reading textbooks is very time consuming!

My apartment!

I finally have some pictures of my room and bathroom up! I'll have more to come of the living/kitchen area and our balcony view soon. Enjoy! :]