I'm having issues. On campus the other day, there was this guy. He was waving a Bible around in the air and yelling at people to repent. Demonstrations like these give me mixed feelings.
1) They make me feel guilty. I am a Christian. I should support that guy. Instead, I just want to run away.
BUT
2) He only yells about judgement. Not hope. So... does that make it a false gospel?
I have some friends that aren't Christians, but sometimes we get into discussions about it. I like the conversation when John's around. He constantly surprises me with how much knowledge (and even wisdom!) he has. He makes me proud and it makes me happy... but it also makes me envy his confidence. As soon as he's gone, I'm sunk. My head can't remember any of the things I know and feel in my heart. I catch myself saying "yeah, I know what you mean" or "I don't know" a lot. But... do I really not know? Or do I just not know how to say it? Sometimes I do understand where they're coming from, but that doesn't mean I agree... so why is it so hard to say? I'm not ashamed. They know where I stand. I just think I'm scared maybe? I don't know as much and I'm not as good as John. I'd rather him tackle all the heavy discussion. What if I say something wrong? I just feel safer not saying anything at all, but it makes me uncomfortable. I know that's not what I'm called to do.
How do I speak? And what do I say? I've heard people say God gives them the words when the time comes. Where are mine?
I think sometimes I still expect God to work like a magic trick. He's magically going to speak to me and I'm magically going to have a script flash in front of my eyes and then I'll magically know everything and everything will magically be perfect. Clearly this is ridiculous, but what should I expect? I want to make disciples, but I'm scared I'm not good enough. Well, no one will ever be good enough... maybe I'm more scared I'm not strong enough. Please pray for me. I want to be confident. I want to be bold. I want to do my job.
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