First post as the future Mrs. John Dirba!

I am absolutely thrilled to announce that John and I got engaged last month! I turned 21 on the Monday of Spring Break, and he proposed on Friday. Needless to say it will be the most memorable Spring Break of my life! In an attempt to organize my thoughts (and hopefully blog more often!) I have created a blog that will strictly be about all things wedding/wifey. Check it out. They say a picture is worth a thousand words, so I'll leave you with these. Enjoy! :]

Speaking of ice...

Happy snow day!

The view from the office window about 20 minutes after it started!

On campus... Bipolar TX weather.

Home

Park across the street.

Me, John, and Peter's E.T. snowman!

... and E.T. about 3 seconds later.

Fun day :]

Through Fire and Ice

I changed the name of my blog... again. I've been having issues finding something that really meant something to me. And this... well, it isn't exactly what I had in mind. Let's face it-- Revelation 3 doesn't make you feel warm fuzzies like unicorns and puppies, which are much more my taste. But, this is something that's really been on my heart lately. I have been living a lukewarm life. How depressing to know that God, my Savior and redeemer who showers me with undeserved grace, mercy, and unconditional love, would rather me be cold and not care at all than just be comfortable. I need to be uncomfortable! I need to be out of my comfort zone and speaking to those who make me nervous and doing things I don't feel good enough for. I need to quit worrying about how I feel and do what He calls me to... and when I don't know what that is, I need to pray more and listen better. So, this is the next chapter in my walk; through fire and ice. Reminding me where I'm going, while reminding me that I'll never quite be there. It's something I need to constantly be running to. I'd greatly appreciate your prayers. Please also continue to pray for my family. The divorce is actually underway now, and things are ugly. I guess the meaning of my blog is twofold; not only will it be about my spiritual temperature, but even the hot and cold parts of my life. Right now is an icy period, but things will warm up!

False gospels and having a boyfriend who is way better than me.

Every time I go to school, my blog suffers :[

I'm having issues. On campus the other day, there was this guy. He was waving a Bible around in the air and yelling at people to repent. Demonstrations like these give me mixed feelings.

1) They make me feel guilty. I am a Christian. I should support that guy. Instead, I just want to run away.

BUT

2) He only yells about judgement. Not hope. So... does that make it a false gospel?

I have some friends that aren't Christians, but sometimes we get into discussions about it. I like the conversation when John's around. He constantly surprises me with how much knowledge (and even wisdom!) he has. He makes me proud and it makes me happy... but it also makes me envy his confidence. As soon as he's gone, I'm sunk. My head can't remember any of the things I know and feel in my heart. I catch myself saying "yeah, I know what you mean" or "I don't know" a lot. But... do I really not know? Or do I just not know how to say it? Sometimes I do understand where they're coming from, but that doesn't mean I agree... so why is it so hard to say? I'm not ashamed. They know where I stand. I just think I'm scared maybe? I don't know as much and I'm not as good as John. I'd rather him tackle all the heavy discussion. What if I say something wrong? I just feel safer not saying anything at all, but it makes me uncomfortable. I know that's not what I'm called to do.

How do I speak? And what do I say? I've heard people say God gives them the words when the time comes. Where are mine?

I think sometimes I still expect God to work like a magic trick. He's magically going to speak to me and I'm magically going to have a script flash in front of my eyes and then I'll magically know everything and everything will magically be perfect. Clearly this is ridiculous, but what should I expect? I want to make disciples, but I'm scared I'm not good enough. Well, no one will ever be good enough... maybe I'm more scared I'm not strong enough. Please pray for me. I want to be confident. I want to be bold. I want to do my job.

Ask and you shall receive!!!

For my first semester since I came to college, I was actually on the job hunt this semester. I've been checking the school's employment website and they didn't have any openings in the library, AND the pottery painting place down the street wasn't hiring either. I'm pretty picky when it comes to jobs (I guess because I've never really needed one), so this was making me very sad. I was starting to feel a little hopeless about getting one of the jobs I'd actually been interested in, when POW! God dropped one in my lap today :] I was on my way back to College Station and one of my professors called me and offered me a position as an Undergraduate Peer Mentor :] It's through the Education department and deals with all the writing courses. I'll basically be assigned to one teacher's class/classes, and I'll help with grading and whatever else they need. I'll also have office hours throughout the week where I'll have to be able to help my "fellow students." PLUS, it will be really good experience for when I actually start teaching. Yay, yay, yay, I'm excited!!!!! :]

"Ask, and you will receive, that your joy may be full." John 16:24b

Tossing the glass slipper, and embracing reality.

"The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?" Jeremiah 17:9

I'm a hopeless romantic. I'm a sucker for all the "listen to your heart," "what's meant to be will always find its way" happy endings. I'm struggling. I've allowed these thoughts to infiltrate too deeply into my life. I've allowed my mind to be consumed with fairytales. I expect my life to flow like the storyline of a chick flick, rather than reveling in the real life love story I've been blessed with. There's nothing wrong with fairytales, but they can't be trusted as truth. I shouldn't be trying to put my faith in them. I need to learn to lead my heart. I need to daydream and "what if" less, and listen for and trust God's will more. That's where the real happily ever afters are.

I don't mean to sound jaded. I hate to think of myself that way. But, I don't want to be silly enough to let my life pass me by, wishing for it to end like one of my favorite movies. This is real life. The only one I get.

"Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer." Psalm 19:14

I couldn't ask for a better reminder right now. This is my daily prayer. Please join me.

Is it just me, or should breast cancer awareness not put men in a position to stumble?

Ok. So. The other day, I was getting bombarded by colors on Facebook. Every other girl's status update was "black" or "tan" or "pink" or "red." Come to find out, it's an attempt to raise breast cancer awareness. Every girl is supposed to put the color of their bra as their status update... that's it. I have not jumped on the bandwagon.

I can understand and appreciate the desire to raise breast cancer awareness, but... is this really a wise way to do it? Isn't it most likely just causing boys to think about what you look like in that bra (especially when 85% of them are "black" or "red")? Isn't that weird to think of everyone knowing/visualizing what color bra your mom/sister/wife/daughter/grandma is wearing? A few of my guy friends have even posted complaints about it on their Facebook.

The second thing is, it doesn't offer any explanation. Most boys have figured out by now that it's bra colors, but not many of them know the breast cancer story behind it. Therefore, my same guy friends that have complained about it are being chewed out for not being supportive of breast cancer. Really?

Maybe I'm a little over-sensitive, especially when I'm struggling to recognize and establish boundaries of things that could cause John to stumble. It just seems that there could be a more effective/less provocative way to get the message out, no?

Roll, tide, roll!

I made good on my new years resolution last night and rooted for Alabama to win the national championship :] I know people are going to argue that as a Texan, I should support my state. However, as an AGGIE... I must support anybody except t.u. Sorry, folks!

Speaking of, I'm definitely ready to be up in Aggieland. There's too much tension in my house... ick. I went to lunch with my dad the other day. I can't remember the last time I did anything with him by myself. It was actually pretty good. We didn't talk about my mom or any of the divorce stuff really, so it almost felt just like the good ol' days. He did ask me if I had to keep going to Christ Church (YES.) and put me on a gas limit, but overall it wasn't too bad. My grandparents are caving though. My sisters and I were supposed to have dinner with him tomorrow night for his birthday, but he cancelled to go with his parents instead. I was happy he was talking to them again, until I found out he's taking Brandi. My grandma's been really stubborn, always telling him he can't bring her to any family functions until he's divorced, and that if he did, my grandma would leave. I guess she changed her mind.

It's just so awkward. On one hand, I'm glad they're talking. I mean, he is their son. But on the other hand, they were almost they only people on his side of the family still holding out praying and supporting us and not pretending everything's okay. Plus, it's not like the prodigal son's dad chased after him. He welcomed him home with open arms and forgave him, but he didn't wallow in the pig slop with him. The lines just feel so blurry all the time. I'm never quite sure how I should think or feel. I don't feel comfortable with anything. Except praying... so I'll just keep doing that.

The long-awaited Curtain Call video!

Enjoy :]



"It's About That Walk"- Choreographed by Carolyn Collier

Revelation... 2010 is already looking up :]

My little puppies are cuddling in bed with me as I type this :]

Last night I came to an astounding revelation... I don't hate Brandi anymore. I was saying my prayers and I just had this weird feeling. I kept trying to visualize her face (which is not easy, since I always run away from her before I can get a really good look) and it wasn't even making my blood boil. I've been trying to stay in line with Luke 6 and pray for my enemies and all that good stuff, but I don't think I was really praying FOR her. I was praying about her, and that God would give me peace and get her out of our lives... not really thinking about her. That's changed though. Now, when I think about her, I feel sad. Her life is a mess, and she doesn't seem to have much she can count on. She needs security, but she's not looking for it in the right places. Obviously she wants to have that with my dad, but she doesn't. She's always trying to stifle him with mushy gifts, and they never go anywhere without each other. Even when my dad does things with me and my sisters, his phone is constantly going off. I guess they're afraid they'll cheat on each other. After all, that's the only way they got together. But, that's not my point for this post. My point is, I am learning to hate the sin... not the sinner. Thank you to those of you who have been praying for my family and my dad. I appreciate it so much, but I'd like you to join me in praying for Brandi as well, that she'll find security in God, and He'll work all things out for good.

Welcome, 2010!

I expect great things from you.

I'm not a big resolution maker. The one thing I'm determined to do this year is become a better Aggie! For all you normal people out there, I'm sure that just sounds silly, but I'm missing out on all the fun traditions. I only went to one football game, people! No Midnight Yell... no Silver Taps... no Elephant Walk. Nothin' :[ But, that stops today! This coming semester I WILL bleed maroon!

I'm also going to find a job this semester... not really sure where. I'd love to work in one of the libraries on campus! I really hope that works out, because I don't have a back-up plan otherwise.

I'm starting a Bible reading plan this year. I have a YouVersion Bible app on my iPhone, so I'm going to follow the daily read on there. That way, if I spend the night somewhere and end up without my Bible, I have it all on my phone. No excuses!

I hope to do more blogging this year. Maybe one of these days I'll actually post something worth reading.