First post as the future Mrs. John Dirba!

I am absolutely thrilled to announce that John and I got engaged last month! I turned 21 on the Monday of Spring Break, and he proposed on Friday. Needless to say it will be the most memorable Spring Break of my life! In an attempt to organize my thoughts (and hopefully blog more often!) I have created a blog that will strictly be about all things wedding/wifey. Check it out. They say a picture is worth a thousand words, so I'll leave you with these. Enjoy! :]

Speaking of ice...

Happy snow day!

The view from the office window about 20 minutes after it started!

On campus... Bipolar TX weather.

Home

Park across the street.

Me, John, and Peter's E.T. snowman!

... and E.T. about 3 seconds later.

Fun day :]

Through Fire and Ice

I changed the name of my blog... again. I've been having issues finding something that really meant something to me. And this... well, it isn't exactly what I had in mind. Let's face it-- Revelation 3 doesn't make you feel warm fuzzies like unicorns and puppies, which are much more my taste. But, this is something that's really been on my heart lately. I have been living a lukewarm life. How depressing to know that God, my Savior and redeemer who showers me with undeserved grace, mercy, and unconditional love, would rather me be cold and not care at all than just be comfortable. I need to be uncomfortable! I need to be out of my comfort zone and speaking to those who make me nervous and doing things I don't feel good enough for. I need to quit worrying about how I feel and do what He calls me to... and when I don't know what that is, I need to pray more and listen better. So, this is the next chapter in my walk; through fire and ice. Reminding me where I'm going, while reminding me that I'll never quite be there. It's something I need to constantly be running to. I'd greatly appreciate your prayers. Please also continue to pray for my family. The divorce is actually underway now, and things are ugly. I guess the meaning of my blog is twofold; not only will it be about my spiritual temperature, but even the hot and cold parts of my life. Right now is an icy period, but things will warm up!

False gospels and having a boyfriend who is way better than me.

Every time I go to school, my blog suffers :[

I'm having issues. On campus the other day, there was this guy. He was waving a Bible around in the air and yelling at people to repent. Demonstrations like these give me mixed feelings.

1) They make me feel guilty. I am a Christian. I should support that guy. Instead, I just want to run away.

BUT

2) He only yells about judgement. Not hope. So... does that make it a false gospel?

I have some friends that aren't Christians, but sometimes we get into discussions about it. I like the conversation when John's around. He constantly surprises me with how much knowledge (and even wisdom!) he has. He makes me proud and it makes me happy... but it also makes me envy his confidence. As soon as he's gone, I'm sunk. My head can't remember any of the things I know and feel in my heart. I catch myself saying "yeah, I know what you mean" or "I don't know" a lot. But... do I really not know? Or do I just not know how to say it? Sometimes I do understand where they're coming from, but that doesn't mean I agree... so why is it so hard to say? I'm not ashamed. They know where I stand. I just think I'm scared maybe? I don't know as much and I'm not as good as John. I'd rather him tackle all the heavy discussion. What if I say something wrong? I just feel safer not saying anything at all, but it makes me uncomfortable. I know that's not what I'm called to do.

How do I speak? And what do I say? I've heard people say God gives them the words when the time comes. Where are mine?

I think sometimes I still expect God to work like a magic trick. He's magically going to speak to me and I'm magically going to have a script flash in front of my eyes and then I'll magically know everything and everything will magically be perfect. Clearly this is ridiculous, but what should I expect? I want to make disciples, but I'm scared I'm not good enough. Well, no one will ever be good enough... maybe I'm more scared I'm not strong enough. Please pray for me. I want to be confident. I want to be bold. I want to do my job.

Ask and you shall receive!!!

For my first semester since I came to college, I was actually on the job hunt this semester. I've been checking the school's employment website and they didn't have any openings in the library, AND the pottery painting place down the street wasn't hiring either. I'm pretty picky when it comes to jobs (I guess because I've never really needed one), so this was making me very sad. I was starting to feel a little hopeless about getting one of the jobs I'd actually been interested in, when POW! God dropped one in my lap today :] I was on my way back to College Station and one of my professors called me and offered me a position as an Undergraduate Peer Mentor :] It's through the Education department and deals with all the writing courses. I'll basically be assigned to one teacher's class/classes, and I'll help with grading and whatever else they need. I'll also have office hours throughout the week where I'll have to be able to help my "fellow students." PLUS, it will be really good experience for when I actually start teaching. Yay, yay, yay, I'm excited!!!!! :]

"Ask, and you will receive, that your joy may be full." John 16:24b

Tossing the glass slipper, and embracing reality.

"The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?" Jeremiah 17:9

I'm a hopeless romantic. I'm a sucker for all the "listen to your heart," "what's meant to be will always find its way" happy endings. I'm struggling. I've allowed these thoughts to infiltrate too deeply into my life. I've allowed my mind to be consumed with fairytales. I expect my life to flow like the storyline of a chick flick, rather than reveling in the real life love story I've been blessed with. There's nothing wrong with fairytales, but they can't be trusted as truth. I shouldn't be trying to put my faith in them. I need to learn to lead my heart. I need to daydream and "what if" less, and listen for and trust God's will more. That's where the real happily ever afters are.

I don't mean to sound jaded. I hate to think of myself that way. But, I don't want to be silly enough to let my life pass me by, wishing for it to end like one of my favorite movies. This is real life. The only one I get.

"Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer." Psalm 19:14

I couldn't ask for a better reminder right now. This is my daily prayer. Please join me.

Is it just me, or should breast cancer awareness not put men in a position to stumble?

Ok. So. The other day, I was getting bombarded by colors on Facebook. Every other girl's status update was "black" or "tan" or "pink" or "red." Come to find out, it's an attempt to raise breast cancer awareness. Every girl is supposed to put the color of their bra as their status update... that's it. I have not jumped on the bandwagon.

I can understand and appreciate the desire to raise breast cancer awareness, but... is this really a wise way to do it? Isn't it most likely just causing boys to think about what you look like in that bra (especially when 85% of them are "black" or "red")? Isn't that weird to think of everyone knowing/visualizing what color bra your mom/sister/wife/daughter/grandma is wearing? A few of my guy friends have even posted complaints about it on their Facebook.

The second thing is, it doesn't offer any explanation. Most boys have figured out by now that it's bra colors, but not many of them know the breast cancer story behind it. Therefore, my same guy friends that have complained about it are being chewed out for not being supportive of breast cancer. Really?

Maybe I'm a little over-sensitive, especially when I'm struggling to recognize and establish boundaries of things that could cause John to stumble. It just seems that there could be a more effective/less provocative way to get the message out, no?